Menu
Parenting is never easy, but when you’ve grown up in an environment of chaos and emotional instability, it can feel like an impossible task to break away from those patterns. For one mum, the journey from an emotionally abusive household to practising gentle parenting with her two toddlers has been transformative—and deeply challenging. Her story, shared in a TikTok video, resonated with thousands of parents who are also striving to parent differently than they were raised.
“I come from an emotionally abusive household where yelling was our main form of communication,” she begins, recounting a childhood shaped by yelling, punishments, and gaslighting. But her moment of clarity came when she was eight months pregnant with her daughter. Mid-argument with her husband, she had an out-of-body experience. In her mind’s eye, she saw her own mother yelling at her father and then imagined her unborn daughter repeating the cycle. That moment sparked a resolve to change, not just for herself but for her children.
Fast forward four years, and she rarely yells anymore. It’s not perfect, and it’s certainly not easy, but it’s possible. “If you come from a similar household,” she says, “maybe you can understand how hard that is.”
One of the most striking parts of her journey was realising that her explosive reactions were rooted in conditioning. “Nobody taught me how to be emotionally intelligent or emotionally aware,” she admits. This lack of emotional education wasn’t unique to her but stretched across generations. Her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had likely faced the same struggles.
This insight resonated deeply with viewers. “@stephany: I swear you said exactly what’s been living in my brain, down to the ‘anyone that knew me prior DOESN’T KNOW ME,’” commented one mum, echoing the sense of personal reinvention that often comes with breaking generational cycles.
It’s important to give yourself grace, she emphasises. “Being emotionally reactive is simply being emotionally immature. It’s not about being bad; it’s about not knowing better.”
@sabriena_abrre Replying to @summaraharmony How I worked through emotional reactivity/explosiveness🥺 This has been such a journey but IT HAS GOTTEN EASIER. Become familair with your emotional self that was silenced for so long🤍 DISCLAIMER: I’m no “parent coach” or anyone official. This is the parenting style I’ve adopted and use with my girls. It’s what work for me and them, and what I’ve found extremely successful. Take what you need and leave what you don’t. If it doesn’t resonate with you, that’s okay too.❤️ #gentleparenting #respectfulparenting #consciousparenting #consciousliving #emotionalintelligenceiskey #emotionalreactivity #healingjourney #selfawareness ♬ original sound - Sabriena Abrre
So, how does someone unlearn years—perhaps generations—of emotional reactivity? For her, the first step was education. Books, podcasts, YouTube videos—she immersed herself in understanding emotional intelligence and attachment science. Learning the “why” behind her reactions gave her a deeper motivation to change.
“I’m a statistics girl,” she explains, “so understanding how my behaviour impacts my kids long term was huge.” She started recognising that many of her reactions were rooted in stories she was telling herself—stories shaped by past experiences.
Take, for example, a moment when her husband seemed secretive with his phone. Her mind immediately jumped to the story that he was cheating, triggering an emotional reaction. But by stepping back, she realised that her reaction was rooted in fear from a past experience. The reality was far more benign: he had simply closed an app when she walked in.
For parents watching her video, this level of self-awareness was both inspiring and daunting. “@rosalena: I NEEDED THIS! I’m trying to gentle parent, and it’s hard because that’s all I grew up on—screaming/yelling,” one user shared.
As she began implementing these changes, she quickly realised how mentally draining it was. Walking herself through her emotions, triggers, and stories required constant effort. “When you’re constantly taking responsibility for how you’re showing up rather than operating unconsciously, it is so draining,” she says.
This was especially true in the beginning when she often processed her emotions after the fact. But she didn’t let that deter her. “There’s actual science as to why you can’t operate when you’re hot and triggered,” she explains, referencing the role of the nervous system.
Understanding the body’s stress responses—fight, flight, or freeze—helped her see why she reverted to old habits when overwhelmed. Her focus shifted to regulating her nervous system through tools like meditation, breath work, and nature walks.
“I used to thrive in chaos,” she admits, “but I had to learn how to operate in calm.”
Learning to navigate emotions was one of her biggest hurdles. “At first, I couldn’t even name my feelings,” she admits. She broke it down into steps:
The process wasn’t immediate or easy. “You’ll often find yourself reflecting after the fact,” she says. “But that doesn’t make you a failure—it makes you human.”
One of the most transformative parts of her journey was understanding how her nervous system played a role in her reactions. Coming from a chaotic household meant her body defaulted to a fight-or-flight response. “Sympathetic chaos was my home,” she confesses.
She began practising techniques to regulate her nervous system, such as:
Over time, these habits helped her stay in a calm, parasympathetic state, allowing her to respond to situations thoughtfully instead of impulsively.
One recurring question from viewers was about discipline. “@rena: Ok, so what consequences do your kids have when they are not behaving?”
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean there are no consequences, she clarifies. Instead of punitive measures like yelling or spanking, the focus is on guiding children to understand their behaviour and its impact. For example, when her toddler has a tantrum in public, she recognises that it’s often due to unmet needs like hunger or tiredness. Addressing the underlying issue is the priority, rather than punishing the outward behaviour.
This approach fosters a safe environment where children feel they can express themselves without fear. “It’s my job to create a space where my child can process their emotions, not shut them down,” she says.
For older parents, the question of timing looms large. “@moreglor2468: I’m 47 years old. I can honestly say I’ve lived in a very similar house. I have projected that onto my kids. They are now 23 and 26. Is it too late?”
Her response is simple yet powerful: It’s never too late. While the impact of early parenting is profound, the ability to heal and build healthier relationships is lifelong. Showing up differently now can still make a significant difference.
One of the most moving aspects of her journey has been the ripple effect on her relationships. “Anyone that knew me before 2019 doesn’t actually know me,” she says, highlighting the transformative power of her work. Gentle parenting has not only reshaped how she interacts with her children but also how she relates to her husband and herself.
For parents watching her video, this transformation feels both aspirational and relatable. “@stephany: You’ve put into words what I’ve been trying to articulate for so long. Thank you for sharing this,” another viewer commented.
If you’ve ever felt trapped by your upbringing, know this: you’re not alone. Change is hard, but it’s possible—and worth it. This mum’s journey from chaos to conscious parenting is a testament to the power of breaking generational cycles and creating a brighter future for your children.
© Mindsmaking 2024
