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Being a mum should be simple, right? Just cook, clean, parent, and look fabulous while doing it—all with a smile on your face. If only it were that easy. A TikTok from a mum recently went viral for hilariously exposing the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers today. But the laughter it sparked was tinged with exhaustion because, for many mums, her satire hits far too close to home.
Through her biting humour, she captured the invisible labour that mothers shoulder every single day—the mental load. This isn’t just a fleeting issue; it’s an ongoing reality that leaves countless women overwhelmed and burnt out. It’s time to unpack this mental load, challenge the societal pressures behind it, and talk openly about how it impacts mums everywhere.
The mental load begins the moment you become a mum and never stops growing. On the surface, parenting is about meeting basic needs—feeding, clothing, comforting, and teaching your child. But as any mum knows, it’s so much more than that.
Take school, for instance. You’re not just dropping your child off and picking them up. You’re remembering half-days, preparing costumes for spirit days, and making sure they’re registered for extracurricular activities like swimming or football. And heaven forbid you forget one detail because if your child is left out, it’s all on you.
The TikTok mum summed it up brilliantly: “Don’t forget swim lesson registrations are next week at midnight. And if you don’t get your kid into that class, they’re going to be totally bummed. They’re also never going to learn to swim. That’s all your fault.”
It sounds absurd, but isn’t that exactly how it feels? For many mums, there’s no such thing as “good enough.” Every missed milestone or oversight feels like a personal failure.
@sheisapaigeturner Its actually very easy to be a good mom. #motherhood #momlife #millennialmom #parentingtips #gendernorms #workingmom #wfhmom ♬ original sound - Paige
What does it mean to be a “good mum”? If you ask society, the bar is set impossibly high. You’re expected to be loving, patient, and fully present with your children. But you’re also supposed to maintain a perfectly clean home, cook balanced meals, and juggle a career without letting it affect your parenting.
There’s a deep emotional weight tied to these small acts of care. You want your child to feel included, to have fun, to know that you’re paying attention. Forgetting a half-day or missing a deadline might seem minor to an outsider, but for mums, it can feel like failure.
And then there’s societal judgment. If your child is the only one not wearing pyjamas on PJ day, you’re not just a mum who forgot—you’re a mum who didn’t care enough. It’s not just about what you do—it’s about how you do it.
You’re supposed to handle all this with ease, never appearing tired or stressed. One commenter, @Sam, sarcastically captured this double standard: “And always look pretty! You can’t get older or gain any weight or look tired. Ever.”
This pressure to appear perfect isn’t just exhausting; it’s damaging. It forces mums to suppress their struggles, putting on a brave face while silently battling burnout. As one commenter, @christy, said: “I love this so much but also hate it so much! This is truly the reality, but there are still people refusing to see and understand!”
In the past, mums were expected to stay home and dedicate their lives to raising children. Today, societal expectations have shifted—but not necessarily for the better. Now, mums are expected to contribute financially while still being the primary caregiver.
This creates an impossible standard. If you stay home, you’re judged for not working. If you work, you’re accused of letting someone else raise your kids. And if you try to balance both, you’re stretched so thin that you barely have time to breathe.
As the TikTok mum pointed out: “If you have a job, you probably hate your kids because you’re spending all this time away from them. But if you’re going to have kids, you should probably work from home at a job that also lets you watch your kids. Then you’re a really, really good mum.”
For many mums, this isn’t just hypothetical—it’s their daily reality. And as @dani commented, “This is literally what my brain is thinking all day! I knew being a mum would be a whole new level of responsibility, but I wasn’t expecting how much the mental load could take a toll.”
“Why don’t mums just ask for help?” It’s a question that comes up often, usually from people who don’t fully understand the mental load. The truth is, asking for help isn’t as simple as it sounds.
When mums ask their partner or family for help, they often end up doing the mental labour of delegating. This means providing detailed instructions for even the smallest tasks—because without that guidance, things are likely to go wrong.
The TikTok mum explained it perfectly: “Make sure there’s step-by-step directions for every single thing your partner needs to know about the kids and the thing you’re asking them to do.”
This isn’t about blaming partners; it’s about highlighting the imbalance. Mums are expected to know everything—the teacher’s name, the schedule for the week, the bedtime routine—and that knowledge becomes a full-time job in itself. So even when help is offered, the mental load often remains firmly on mum’s shoulders.
Perhaps the most significant, yet invisible, burden of motherhood is the emotional labour. This goes beyond the physical tasks of parenting. It’s about being emotionally available for your children, constantly attuned to their needs, and ready to comfort them at any moment.
But what about mums’ emotional needs? More often than not, they’re pushed aside. Mums are told to put themselves last, to sacrifice their well-being for the sake of their children.
And if they dare to take time for themselves, they’re often met with guilt or judgment. As the TikTok mum said: “All you have to do is everything for everybody in your life. Put yourself last on the list and do it with a smile.”
This mindset isn’t just unsustainable—it’s harmful. Burnout is real, and it’s affecting mums everywhere. The emotional toll of constantly prioritising others over yourself can lead to feelings of resentment, loneliness, and even depression.
Despite all this, there’s still a lack of understanding about the mental load of motherhood. Many people assume that mums “have it easy” or dismiss their struggles as exaggerations. But as @shelly commented: “The way this literally isn’t even an exaggeration.”
This is why conversations like the one sparked by the TikTok mum are so important. They shine a light on the invisible labour of motherhood and encourage society to take a closer look at the unrealistic expectations placed on mums.
So, where do mums go from here? The first step is recognising that the mental load isn’t something you have to carry alone. Parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present. And sometimes, that means letting go of the little things.
It also means advocating for yourself. Speak up about what you need, whether it’s more support from your partner, time to recharge, or simply a break from the never-ending to-do list. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
And remember, you’re not alone. As @teresa said: “I’m exhausted & mine is only 2.” Motherhood is tough, but it’s a shared experience, and there’s strength in leaning on others who understand.
Despite the challenges, motherhood is filled with moments of beauty. The laughter of your child, the joy of seeing them grow, the bond that forms through shared experiences—these are the things that make it all worthwhile.
Yes, the mental load is heavy, and the expectations are unfair. But mums have an incredible ability to find joy in the chaos, to celebrate the small victories, and to show up every day for their children. And that’s what truly makes a good mum.
Does this sound familiar? Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the mental load of motherhood? Let’s talk about it.
Head over to our Instagram page, where the conversation is just getting started. Share your thoughts, your struggles, and your survival tips. You don’t have to do this alone.
© Mindsmaking 2024
