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Think back to your childhood. What’s the one thing you always wished you had but didn’t? Maybe it was trendy clothes, cool toys, or fun snacks. Now, fast-forward to the present. As a parent, do you find yourself giving your kids those very things you missed out on? If you answered yes, you’re not alone.
There’s a pattern many millennial parents share—a trait that feels like love but can sometimes teeter into overcompensation. You do it with the best intentions, wanting to give your children everything you didn’t have. But is it really about their needs, or is it about healing something within you?
One mum’s TikTok laid this out perfectly. She explained how millennial parents often have a “toxic trait.” But it’s not toxic in the way you might think. It’s not about being harmful or reckless. It’s about the emotional weight behind our decisions—the way we sometimes prioritise our own unresolved feelings over what our kids truly need.
Her example was food. Growing up, she lived in a household that focused on raw ingredients. Snacks were a rarity, and she’d find herself gnawing on baker’s chocolate when she got home from school. Now, as a mum, she fills her grocery cart with fruit snacks, chips, and all the “fun foods” she didn’t get as a kid.
It’s not just about food, though. If you didn’t have trendy toys or cool clothes, chances are your kids now have an abundance of both. You’re not just buying things for them—you’re buying a version of your childhood you never got to experience.
Let’s dig deeper. Why do you give your kids what you didn’t have? One commenter on the TikTok said it best: “This is me with adult money, buying everything for myself I never had or was told no to. It’s a healing process.”
And it really is, isn’t it? When you were a kid, you didn’t have control over what you could or couldn’t have. Now, as an adult, you finally have that power. You’re not just giving your kids the things you missed out on—you’re soothing that little voice inside you that says, “I wish I had this.”
Another mum shared: “I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion, so my kids get to voice theirs loud and clear.” It’s a powerful shift, isn’t it? You want to do better, to break cycles, to ensure your kids never feel the way you did. But there’s a fine line between doing better and overdoing it.
So why does this trait feel so universal to your generation? One Gen X parent chimed in: “This fits me, not my daughter as a mum.” It’s not just millennials who fall into this pattern. But there’s something unique about your experience.
You grew up in a transitional time—before smartphones but after the internet started creeping into daily life. You witnessed the world shift from analog to digital, from limited access to an era of abundance. And now, you’re raising children in a world where everything is at your fingertips.
Maybe that’s why you feel such a pull to give them everything. You know what it’s like to go without, and now that you don’t have to, it feels almost wrong not to give them the best of everything.
The heart of the issue lies in this question: Are you healing yourself, or are you overcompensating? One commenter offered a refreshing perspective: “This is why it’s OK to just buy yourself the thing.”
Think about it. How often do you find yourself buying your kids something because it makes you feel good? Because it feels like you’re giving your younger self what they deserved?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to heal those childhood wounds. But it’s worth asking yourself—does this really benefit your child, or is it more about you?
One mum summed it up perfectly: “I get my kids the things they want or need within reason, but I also give them things that make sense for them.” That phrase—“within reason”—is key. You don’t have to say yes to everything to be a good parent.
The cycle of overcompensation often comes from a place of love. You want to do better for your kids than your parents did for you. But sometimes, the best way to do better is to break the cycle entirely.
Ask yourself: Are you teaching your children balance? Are you showing them how to appreciate what they have, or are you unintentionally creating a sense of entitlement?
For example, if you always buy the trendy toy your child asks for, they might start to expect it every time. Instead, try asking them to wait, save up, or prioritise what they truly want. Teaching patience and gratitude can be just as valuable as giving them the thing they’re asking for.
At the end of the day, your love for your child isn’t measured by the number of toys in their room or snacks in the pantry. It’s in the time you spend with them, the lessons you teach, and the values you instill.
One powerful comment read: “I wasn’t given love and safety, so I make sure my kids have both.” That’s the heart of it, isn’t it? At the core of all your efforts is a desire to make your children feel safe, loved, and seen.
But remember, love and safety don’t come from material things. They come from connection—listening to your child, being there for them, and showing them that they matter.
So how do you find the balance between giving and overgiving? It starts with mindfulness.
Next time you’re tempted to buy your child something, pause. Ask yourself:
By taking a mument to reflect, you can ensure your decisions come from a place of love and intention, not just emotion.
One of the most liberating lessons is this: It’s okay to focus on your own healing. If you missed out on fun snacks, buy them for yourself. If you always wanted cool clothes, treat yourself to something special. You don’t have to live vicariously through your children to heal those old wounds.
By taking care of your own needs, you can show up as a stronger, more balanced parent. And that’s the greatest gift you can give your kids.
Parenting is messy, emotional, and complicated. You’re not going to get it right all the time, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’re trying—figuring it out one step at a time.
This conversation is just the beginning. Head over to our Instagram page and share your thoughts: What’s the one thing you’ve found yourself overcompensating for as a parent? How are you finding balance?
Let’s keep the dialogue going—because when you reflect, learn, and grow, you’re not just becoming a better parent. You’re healing yourself, too.
© Mindsmaking 2024
