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Imagine receiving a call from your child’s school about their recent behavioural issues. Your first reaction? Likely a surge of embarrassment, maybe even a flicker of shame, wondering, “Is this somehow my fault?” This is the exact situation a certified parent coach recently found herself in with her six-year-old daughter. As she unpacked the situation, she discovered a story not of blame but of unmet needs, emotional transitions, and a little girl grappling with the changes in her world.
On her Instagram, she shared this story—one that resonated deeply with many parents facing similar struggles, as well as educators who understand the value of connection and structure in a child’s life. Today, we’re diving into this mum’s journey to connect the dots between behaviour and needs, sharing relatable insights and practical steps that could help any parent feeling overwhelmed by similar issues.
When parents first encounter behavioural shifts, it’s natural to focus on discipline as the solution. But this mum’s story invites us to look deeper. She has a strong background in trauma-informed parenting and believes that behaviour often communicates an unmet need or an underdeveloped skill. This idea reshapes her response to her daughter’s recent behaviour changes.
Her daughter, who was once comfortable and thriving in her montessori school, had suddenly become distant, disruptive, and often at odds with classmates. Instead of jumping to punishment, she looked for what was behind this behaviour —a series of transitions that had left her daughter feeling lost and isolated. First, her beloved teacher left to care for her newborn, then two of her best friends aged out of the montessori program, leaving her alone in a sea of familiar faces but no close connections. And if that wasn’t enough, her classroom was moved to a different part of the building, adding to her sense of dislocation.
This gentle approach resonated with @Jewell Lopez, who commented, “Thank you for sharing. We went through almost this exact experience with all the transitions you mentioned. My child’s behaviour changed in a matter of 3 weeks. This was the reassurance I needed.”
Losing her friends and teacher was difficult for this young girl, and she began craving the attention she was used to having from those close relationships. In their absence, she turned to her new teachers for connection, a sense of familiarity in the new setup. But with nearly 20 other children in the room, it was impossible for her to get the individual attention she needed. The result? She felt disconnected and began acting out, a behaviour that masked her deeper longing for belonging.
As @Branditheriault8 shared, “My daughter went through this too, starting pre-K! I was able to share tools from you with her teacher, so they better understood how she learns. Took some adjusting but she’s thriving now!” This story highlights how finding allies in teachers and caregivers can be an important first step toward helping a child feel seen and understood in challenging situations.
The concept of belonging is universal and powerful. It’s a basic human need, especially for children. They need to feel they matter, and when they don’t, it can lead to behaviours that seem disruptive on the surface but in essence, calls for connection.
The second unmet need this mum identified was her daughter’s need for a sense of control and purpose. Her daughter was constantly power-struggling with her peers and teachers, reacting defiantly when told to stop certain behaviours. But, as her mum explained, this was less about defiance and more about a child’s need to feel competent and valued.
By observing her daughter’s behaviour, this parent coach realised her daughter needed opportunities to channel her energy constructively. Giving her a “job” or responsibility at school could be a way to nurture her confidence and autonomy—something echoed by educator @Kelci Hale, who commented, “I work in an elementary school. Ninety percent of our kids’ behaviours are improved by giving them ‘jobs.’” This simple shift in focus, from punishment to empowerment, can transform a child’s classroom experience, allowing them to feel needed and capable.
The takeaway here isn’t just about managing behaviours; it’s about seeing our children with empathy, understanding that they are still developing the skills needed to navigate big feelings and complex social interactions. Imagine being six years old, stepping into a classroom each day where you feel like an outsider. You want to belong, but you’re unsure how to bridge the gap with established friend groups. You crave connection, but your usual sources of comfort—your teacher and friends—are suddenly gone. For this mum’s daughter, that scenario was her daily reality, and it’s no wonder she felt overwhelmed.
Had her mother reacted with punishment, her daughter might have felt even more alienated, internalising the belief that her emotions weren’t valid. Instead, by offering understanding, she taught her daughter that her feelings mattered and that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. Through patience, empathy, and practical steps, she’s helping her daughter learn the skills needed to rebuild her confidence.
For parents going through similar experiences, here are a few strategies inspired by this mum’s journey that might help:
This story speaks to the power of empathy, understanding, and gentle guidance. While it’s tempting to meet disruptive behaviour with strict consequences, sometimes all our children need is someone to see them for who they are—a work in progress, learning how to navigate a world that can be complex and confusing. By understanding the needs beneath the behaviour, this mum is not only helping her daughter overcome a challenging phase but also teaching her lifelong skills of resilience, self-awareness, and emotional regulation.
To any parent facing a similar journey, remember: you’re not alone. Just like this parent coach and her daughter, countless families navigate the same transitions, and it’s possible to come through them stronger than ever.
© Mindsmaking 2024
